Unpleasantry

It seems all I have these days are feelings of annoyance, depression and general frustration. And I can't really shout them all out because I have to think about the consequences that I am/am not willing to deal with.

I hate that people dismiss my claims of putting on weight. It's not false modesty. I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm not some 20 year-old flit-fluttering around trying to get attention. I don't judge my popularity or quslity of life by the number of responses I get from others. I'm just speaking my mind, and what I perceive to be true. I'm not asking for people to reassure me. I hate that when I comment about wearing certain clothes, or having put on weight, people reply with, "You so skinny!", "You can afford it", and all that blah. But, I can't very well tell them off, can I? I know I am not a monster, but I certainly have gained enough weight to not be able to wear some (most of what I own actually) clothes anymore. For me, that's enough. I'm not living by anyone else's yardstick. I know it may seem petty, but having my problems trivialised like that is fucking annoying.

Work hasn't really moved forward. I am trying to be focused and I think I am responsible enough to do my part as best as I can, but there's a part of me that just looks forward to the travel and nothing else. Yes, I feel bad for that. I am thankful for the opportunities, of course. I just don't know if I am quite cut out for this. I do know though, that I am really glad for the chance to travel.

A lack of income means I can't do as much as I want. I have recently gotten into Bikram yoga, and I really enjoy it. I can't do it as regularly as I want to though, cos it's so expensive. Next term of pole and aerial is gonna happen soon as well, but I don't know if I can afford to sign up for more. To be completely honest, I can afford these, but it would mean living like a skint rat. I believe in living within my means and I am trying to. I save and take the bus and drink tap water and eat cheap lunches. Unfortunately, I tend to squander it all away on weekends. Since I have stopped working, I have rationed out a certain amount of money each week for myself so that I won't overspend. Guess how well that's working out for me? Sometimes the circumstances presented negate all your efforts. It's frustrating because I don't think what I have rationed out is unreasonable. I have to keep reminding myself that I have no income. Really. Like I said, I will start saying "no", and start living within my means.

Sometimes there is so much emotions within that I just want to go crazy and shout out, or throw a hissy fit. It's not easy to speak my mind anymore. I have realised that as situations unfold that some things cannot be undone. I can't trust myself to divulge as much as I used to. I hold back. I withdraw into myself. I am not blaming anyone for the way I feel. How can I? It's my own fault that I let past events dictate how I feel and act this much. I can't earn back lost trust on my own. Still, I am glad I have friends and loved ones to listen to my rants, because honestly, I may well go mental otherwise. May I never take my friends for granted.

Isn't technology a funny thing? I simply can't live without Internet on-the-go. I have my Tiny Tower on all day. I check Twitter every few minutes, except when I am at work. How did we get lost in all these texts and emotionless drivel? So often I have seen misunderstandings occur because a harmless text message was miscontrued. Why are we still reliant on them then? Why, even after a misunderstanding, do we choose to explain ourselves over even more text messages? What's happening to humanity? Nowadays a text makes one blush where a touch used to. Communication has become so much more efficient in some aspects, yet has regressed on so many other levels.

This is one thing I realise when I am in a completely new place. I feel like I regain some of my humanity. Yes, I still need my mobile broadband on standby, but when I am in a new city or place, my senses are piqued. Everything seems more tactile and captivating. Air smells different, and my eyes discover new colours. I may often be alone, but I feel alive and in touch with the world at large. It's an incredible feeling. I miss it so much.

Alas. The cycle of day and night grounds me in this spot. This sometimes dark, but unavoidable abyss of heavy thoughts. I know I am not infallible. I am not always right. I am not the only vulnerable soul out there. I don't expect the world to revolve around me. The older I get, the more I know what I want, what I don't want, what I have given up, and what I should expect. I may seem unreasonable to some, but I have given in way too often on things I don't necessarily shout about. Sometimes it's worth it. Sometimes it seems like the more you give, the more you have to be willing to give up.

Now, I'll take a deep breath and reboot. May every restart take away a bit of angst, neurotism and regret. Maybe one day I will find a new me. Or lose all of myself. We all keep hoping for the best.