I get these bouts of doubts sometimes. Recently though, these mini existential crises have been happening in too frequent intervals. It's fucking tiring.
I'm not going to bore you (or myself) with the whole 'meaning of life' bullcrap. It doesn't change the fact though, that I am almost 30 and I don't know what the fuck I am doing. It's frightening.
When I was 16, I imagined marriage and kids at 28. When I turned 26, I realised how unrealistic that was and saw that no one would ever hang around long enough for that (no disrespect to my bf - this isn't about you, baby). The importance of driving my career forward faded into a distant dream, and all I wanted to do from that year onwards was simply... be happy. Now that 30 is looming, I'm convinced that one's search for happiness is a perennial pursuit. Once you stop searching, you stop wanting, you stop living.
See? Age. Wisdom. Not just a myth.
Just like how we want different things at different points in our lives, we are afraid of different things at different stages. For me, the older I get, the smaller the goals I set. From the idealistic teenage dreams to a semi-realistic young adulthood pursuits, I've now shifted my focus on things in the horizon. Every new year's eve, I hope for a good year. Every February, I pray my Gunners suffer no internal collapse. Every August, I hope for a good Arsenal season. Every week, I look forward to pole and boxing. When will the targets become so small that you disappear into nothingness along with them? Right now, I'm afraid of becoming fugly. Don't rain your reassuring words here. It's not that I don't care for them, I'm just being honest in saying that I'd still feel this way no matter what anyone said.
I'm so sick and tired of being dissatisfied with the way I look. I'm disappointed at how I have neglected to pursue knowledge, and simply sat in my box with an unexplored world blooming over my head and under my fingertips. I need to shake things up, but I'm reminded daily of the restrictions that bind me to this impervious realm.
Too real. Too harsh. Too cookie-cutter.
Today, I just fell out of myself and watched the world scurry by.
Siren Says
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
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"It's not that I don't care for them, I'm just being honest in saying that I'd still feel this way no matter what anyone said."
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean darling, I feel the same way myself. Can't even bear to look myself in the mirror these days..
And ya, the goals part? It gets so small to the extend that all I wish for now is the luxury to just Breathe. Pretty sure you can relate to that.
Big hugs.